I cannot help but begin to feel lonely as of late. It’s weird because i don’t really have a reason to, but for some reason i still feel this way. I think quite a lot of it comes down to change and my aversion to avoid it even though i put on a face that i am a revolutionary person. Down deep, i dislike change just as much as the next guy.I have had to face the fact that things have changed a lot lately. This seems to especially be true with my friends. I will explain.My best friend is living in SoCal going to Pepperdine. (Smart Bastard). Friends i once had, good friends, best friends, i never even seem to talk to anymore, even though they have come to the same school i am at now. I know some of it is schedules and busyness, but still. Even from last year, people i used to hang out with a lot, i never see anymore, there are only a few that i still hang out with. But it seems as though things have changed. In fact the is the case i know it is. In the place of these old friends, i have made a bunch of new friends, but its odd, things seem superficial, even when we talk about deep things, the conversations still seem forced and fake sometimes. Some of these people are great people, and i’m beginning to think its just me. I don’t know. On the other hand i don’t want to sound like i have no friends at all because i do. Some people have become fast friends with this year, and we actually have a good solid friendship. I cannot ignore these friendships.I think it is a tenancy of humans to look at the past with a certain sense of nostalgia. The grass allways looks greener back in the day, so to speak. I tend to look back at the friendships i used to have and think ‘wow, that was amazing, we were really friends and were really connected.’ But unfortunately things DO change and maybe for the best, maybe for the worst.Today i had a strange feeling. Up until this week i was really beginning to feel like i was finally beginning to understand my ‘new’ self and my new paradigm and had figured out how to work within it. But just when i have reached that point, God throws a curve ball. This week i have felt uneasy. Today, in the cafe, i saw my ex working, and we actually had a good conversation. Then after vespers it happened again. It was an odd feeling, but it felt right. What is really weird is i cannot help but begin to second guess myself and my decision to end the relationship a little over a month ago. And i’m not saying that i want to get back together, I don’t want to be that couple i have seen before that breaks up and gets back together like 5 times. Thats just silly.This past week i had a graphic design project due and it was 2 days before it was due and frankly i hated my design for it. We were forced to do everything by hand for this class and to be honest i feel hampered without my computer. I like the ability to move stuff with ease and not feel that it is too permanent by marker comp-ing it. Anyway, the day before the project was due i did a complete redesign of my entire concept. It was a last minute change to something that i had thought about doing before, but in every sense of the word it was better.With that in mind, i have a paradigm that says that my current paradigms will be changed all the time. Khun talks about how a paradigm is replaced and seems to think it is a long process. Maybe mine is a lot more careless, but it happens a lot more. I more like try different paradigms and theory’s till i find one that fits. But my paradigms are always being replaced by one that fits me a little better.And sometimes your paradigm just like in Graphic Design, needs a redesign. Things will work out for the best. I always like to do something physically to signify a change like this, in fact its why i change my hairstyle so much. A change in hairstyle for me signify a change in my person. If i look back i can see how this has applyed, and not just in hairstyleing, in other things as well.I think it is time for a redesign in my life. My paradigm needs a shift, badly. And you know what that means, I need to find those hair clippers.
